I suppose that speaks to my belly and to the last weeks of this pregnancy.
As the kicks get stronger, my belly grows larger and our due date looms closer everything is becoming much less abstract. Soon we will have another little person in the house. We’ll be sleeping less, gasping more, weeping and laughing, groaning and cooing. So many emotions. Fear, worry, joy, excitement, anticipation.
All the while Briar is blossoming more into herself with each passing hour. Her face is changing, her mannerisms becoming more pronounced and her vocabulary. Good lord she is learning so much. I find myself bursting with pride and a desire to squeeze her close to me, as if I want to pull her back inside of me. She is just hurtling forward and I love it, but I find myself so torn. I love it when she does something that is so clearly in response to something.
The other day she saw a scab on Sean’s leg and she leaned forward, said “boo boo” and kissed it. Must be from the sitter, but god, I nearly wept. I had no idea she knew to kiss someone where they had a “boo boo.” Then the other night Sean was taking her upstairs to bed and I called up the stairs “I love you” as I walked to the kitchen. I do it every night. I think it’s more for me than her. But this time she stopped, turned and called back “I love you.” Sean jumped. “Man, did you hear that?” I thought I’d gotten over the wonder. Not gotten over it, but that it had changed. I read an article about love for your children being like any other kind of love and that it changes, that you can have times when you don’t like your child or are frustrated, but you love them. It was about the saddest thing I’d ever read, but seemed to be sort of forgiving, as if to say, “Life is going to happen and it isn’t always going to be easy, but that doesn’t change the fact that you love your child.” I thought that meant that the insatiable appetite, the unyielding pride and awe at the accomplishments of your children would ebb as well.
But as I watch Briar I am rediscovering those early days of total infatuation. Every touch, every sound, I am rapt. I honestly believe that Briar…I can’t even put it into words. I am sitting here at the computer, the front of my shirt damp with tears, my heart aching as I try to express how I feel.
I am no longer scared about this new baby. I am excited. I know we are going to have so much fun getting to know this new person. I also know that the place Briar claimed in my heart and soul is not changing to make space for this new person, it has in fact grown much larger and so much more a part of who I am. My guess is I am going to find a whole new part of myself, like I did when Briar came. I only hope that as I am once again swept up in the absolute miracle of creating a whole new being through my relationship with Sean that people will be able to stand me.
Who knows if this has made any sense. I just know it has felt good.
Ahh. Now, to pull myself back together. We have an appointment at 2:45 with the doctor. Do a little check-aroo to see how things are progressing. Stay tuned.