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Soul Thirst

Posted on June 27, 2007

Avery has me under a spell from which I never want to escape. A touch of her softer than silk fingertips upon my bare leg,a throaty “Maw-mee” from across the room,or the koala clench she wields at goodnight, each brings me to my knee in its own way. I tremble as I remember the time before she was born, the doubt that would hover around me, seeping into my bones like a damp October morning. I never wished her not to be, but I often wished for more time. A little more with one child. A little more with Briar. A little more time to prepare. Here on the other side of worry and wait, I find that she is more. As Briar was…

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One Hunded Ninety Two Dollars & F*ck You Cents

Posted on June 26, 2007

As if the indignity of cleaning up a soupy mix of aromatic sewage and funktified kitchen sink detritus wasn’t enough, the plumber told me on several occasions yesterday that he wasn’t sure what was happening, as if our mess was somehow so obscene that he’d never encountered anything like it before. My ears are still ringing with the sound of the metal snake howling its way through our old pipes, the hum frequently interrupted with what sounded like an intestinal death moan. The sensation of liquid bursting up and through my toes from the soaked carpet keeps me from truly being able to eat more than a few bites at a time. The upside, and as god is my witness there will be an…

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Knee Deep

Posted on June 25, 2007

Yesterday it was the beautiful, clean, northern stretch of the Hudson River that was up to my knees. Today it is a river flowing from the blighted downstairs bathroom of our 100+ year old home. This morning as I moppped up what I can only imagine is cheese, I struggled to keep from adding a large puddle of my own vomit to the vile, wet mess. We have an intern from the theatre festival staying with us. I am gathering from her reaction to my apology that she would not be able to shower this morning, that she has never in her golden haired New Canaan, Connecticut existence had to cope with raw sewage. I am teetering on the very edge as I sit…

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Joy unhindered

Posted on June 24, 2007

I remember sitting alone one day, Briar was napping upstairs and Avery was still a growing flutter in my belly. The sunlight streaming through the window seemed too good to shine upon me, so profound was my shame. I was having a baby and I knew I could not love her the way she deserved. I didn’t have the strength of heart left. I caressed my belly in apology, murmuring promises that I would try my best. I wept, unclear just who my guilt was for. As the pregnancy went on I made exaggerated exclamations to anyone who would listen, thinking that perhaps I could fool myself into believing. The truth was I genuinely feared what lay ahead. I did not want to meet…

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