I remember one morning leaving Sean’s apartment on Park Street someone called to me from the theatre-
“Mott, doing the walk of shame, eh?”
I was immediately red-face, but cocky at the same time.
“You bet I’m doing the walk of shame, have you seen Sean? He’s a fucking Adonis.”
I didn’t say it, but I thought it as I replayed the night’s events. I’d fought hard, not able to believe that this guy who looked as if he’d tripped from the pages of a JCrew catalog and into my lap would want pasty, padded me. We were surrounded by actors, many of whom used their looks far more than their talents. I felt a bit like a Hyundai at a performance car show. Yet he picked me.
There were as many brush offs as there were come ons, sometimes I even brushed him off twice, three times even. On this morning I’d stayed a little longer, the feel of his arms around me, the light as it came through the windows of his apartment and the overriding sense of belonging was too much to ignore. I wanted to be there, wanted to belong to him and for him to belong to me. I wanted to be a part of something, someone.
I let the words ricochet, plinging and planging down my back. The sun hit my eyes as I crossed the wide street beneath the roundabout. The theatre and production office were behind me. I imagined all the people that might see me. Flutters erupted in my belly and then the oddest thing happened- I smiled.
I smiled a big old cat-that-ate-the-canary smile and crossed the street and walked up the steps to the door of my place. It would be another year before we truly got up on plane and a year after that before we made it official, but looking back three daughters and 5+ years of marriage later, all I can think is that on a sunny morning in Williamstown I enjoyed a walk of pride as I returned home from a night with the guy I’d make a habit of waking up next to.
Excuse me as I head to bed, I have a dreamboat to wake up with tomorrow. Maybe I’ll flash you a cocky smile on the way to the coffee shop.
Go kiss someone.