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BlogHer, it ain’t about the shoes

Posted on July 29, 2010

Last night I had a talk with my family, it was like Intervention-light. Not that I have ever watched that show, but my addiction to doing, carrying, handling, managing and scads more words ending with “ing” is deep rooted. I have a primal need to do and an unrelenting hunger to please, fix and impress. Unfortunately all of those things are in direct conflict with my body’s need to restore the blood lost in the accident. I didn’t think tweeting, writing, or problem solving things like the battle between the demands for Caillou (shoot me), Madeline (stab me) or Tom & Jerry (I just don’t get it) was a big deal. It is. Every decision I make is one more than I should. I…

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Break My Stride

Posted on July 27, 2010

I thought parenting was humbling, the flashes of thinking I’d be able to do it all, the fantasies of avoiding the ruts, the memories of choices my parents made that I questioned. Six years on the doing side of parenting and I realize how often we have to react as opposed to decide, that even when we anticipate, prepare and account for every eventuality, something unexpected happens—a bill, an invite or an unintended slight. It is as if you are swimming in deep water and juggling balls and just as you find your groove the balls are spritzed with oil. You can touch them, maybe even latch on for a time, but before you know it, despite your best efforts, they slip from your…

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Categories: Me, Roar

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Sinew of Time

Posted on July 24, 2010

I never imagined that some of the photos I snapped absentmindedly would become the things that would reopen every facet of a moment, from the smell of the butcher block and the sheen of the sippy cup rings, to the way that the breeze had rattled the loose front screen door. I can hear the echo of that door, the tinny metal scraping on the uneven transom, I can see the rusty droplets on the welcome mat from the many times it barked against my heel. Watching the girls slip from their baby forms like snakes from a skin, I am, if not in total acceptance, mindful of the months and years ahead. There will be a bus as the air changes in September,…

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Categories: Me

Medicine

Posted on July 20, 2010

Despite my desire to feel better, I am exhausted. Short of breath, unexpectedly dizzy and generally tentative as I still feel a little unsure of my body. Today was my first day back in the office and it took everything out of me and then some. I might have been here at home feeling ever so slightly sorry for myself. I want to go here with energy and a sparkle. I want to go for runs, swim in the lake and be able to lift whatever or whoever I want, when and how I want. Luckily I have slightly more commonsense as 37 looms ever closer and I have comedy. Pure, ’round the clock, irresistible slapstick and mayhem. Fin, the Mama Whisperer , is…

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Now

Posted on July 15, 2010

It’s been five days. The first day I rested. The second day I reeled. The third day I dipped my toe into a new normal. The fourth day I crumbled. Today I am in a struggle between what I want, what I know and what my body says through unexpected dizzy spells, shortness of breath and unprecedented fatigue. I want to have the grace to be thankful for the way things turned out, but the truth is grace falls to the wayside with three kids. There are questions to answer, scrapes to kiss and things to do on the floor, on your side, upside down and beneath three bodies. I want to be there. In it. I am realizing that I am, even though…

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Categories: Me