“You don’t understand.”
“No, I totally get it, but…”
“Well, when I…”
It doesn’t matter, the truth is, they might, it is, you don’t and maybe you shouldn’t.
The reverberations of realizing the way things were when you thought you knew is sobering at best, humiliating at worst. I don’t think I’d say, “I wouldn’t change a thing,” with total certainty, because, really, there are a few things I’d take back again and again. Who wouldn’t?
Tonight I am thinking not about how I messed up in the past, or even how I screwed up today, instead I am thinking about how real my frustrations are. Twice today I’ve heard some of my own deepest hurts and furies voiced. The anguished purge of fears and hurts that aren’t going away, the worry of the reckoning ahead and the knowledge that pushing through won’t make it hurt less, that in fact the only solution may hurt more than the problem. The unapologetic listing of the way it really is—hard, non-stop and unwelcome. Twice.
I turned on the radio and turned inward—making dinner, dodging sprinting sisters, watching my husband, wondering about what time I might be done. A song came on the radio that made me pause. Setting the wooden spoon down I let the sounds swirl: lyrics and squeals. The rhythm tickled, I was trying to place the exact sensation, somewhere between tears and epiphany. The girls ran around the island as Sean taunted them in a range of voices. Thousands of miles from where I started and work demands lapping at both edges of my day.
I wrapped my arms around Sean as the burning in my chest exploded.
Sounds like life to me.
We are all on paths of uncertainty and absurdity, moments of bliss and tragedy. You may not like country, you may not have three kids, but the thing I got today, loud and clear, you ‘ve got life. I don’t imagine tomorrow’s lunches will be easier to pack or that my hair will suddenly lay the way I want it to lay, but I do know that I’ll manage and that if I need it, I can go to others I can rail and cry.
It’s life and we are never as alone as we may feel.
You gotta hold on tight just enjoy the ride,
Get used to all this unpredictability.
Don’t be afraid to listen, don’t be afraid to share.