Posts tagged “grief”

9/11

Posted on September 11, 2013

Twelve years ago at this time we were just waking up. An hour from now we’d be in the car on the way to the realtor’s office off Commonwealth Avenue. We were going to sign the lease on our first place together. Twelve years ago there were no wedding rings, no babies, no company. We were just two twentysomethings, in love and ready for the next step. The sky was impossibly blue. I had just flown back from California the day before.  My plane for Seattle was leaving Logan at a little after 9am, one more trip to visit my family before my new job started. After we signed the lease we walked out of the office, the plan was for me to take…

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Categories: Mama Sap

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Writer’s Block from Heartbreak

Posted on June 14, 2013

Life has been very charged lately. Looking through my Instagram photos I can see a thread, an echo of my emotions through the images I choose to capture. The uncertainty of an experience I did not actively choose and a path from which I could not steer away. The odd mixture of terror and strength that comes from vulnerability. Accepting that I desperately need support and discovering that I have it. Acknowledging that I need to make a plan and accept my role in having acted in a way that gave people the opportunity to hurt me. I am looking forward to the frames ahead and hoping that with them I’ll find my words again.

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Categories: Me

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Everything and Nothing is Normal

Posted on April 16, 2013

I can remember, from the first hint of a bump, the way people would lavish their wisdom upon me. Some days I took the words as a gift, other times they came as jarring admonitions. Safest your kids will ever be, is right there in your belly. The days are long, but the years are short. Just wait ’til she’s a teenager, she’s gonna hate you. You’re going to miss this. It’ll be over in a blink. I’d like to think that I was somewhat graceful in how I received these things, at least on the outside, though I’m sure an occasional lip snarl was visible. As the years have gone by, faster than even those strangers promised, I find myself reconsidering what they…

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Categories: Random

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Even Still

Posted on April 3, 2013

I used to believe that there was a formula— …step on a crack, break your mother’s back I thought that if even against my better judgement or despite my best efforts, if I indeed stepped on a crack that I could avoid the next seven and take it back. Take it back. Take back Dawn dying, take back Ransom dying, take back Susan getting sick again, take back her dying. The thing is, there is no forumla. Angie, toughest person I ever met got sick. Dawn, sweetest woman I ever knew, no do-over. I want to buck and rail and rant ’til spittle flies from my mouth and my face is as red as the smarting hurt upon my heart. I want to bandy…

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Categories: Love

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Ransom

Posted on March 28, 2013

There are no magic words, no perfect stanza to use when a child dies. My heart is broken for a boy I never met, but who I loved through the first picture I saw of him. The son of one of my dearest childhood friends, he was familiar in a way I could never articulate. Where my girls sparkle, he always seemed to glow. The purest light laced with just the right amount of little boy impishness radiated from each photo. He was four and he lived each minute surrounded in the deep love of his big brothers and his mom and dad. There is no saying that he lived long enough, because he did not. The thing he had, the thing that measured…

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Categories: Love

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