Today was one of those mornings when I woke up wishing I could just be a mom and wife. I would have given my eye teeth to just pull on a pair of capris and tank top, slap a Red Sox cap on my head, and to have spent the day puttering around the house and playing with Briar. We would have played on the porch, talked to the rustling leaves on the tree out front, gotten the hose out to water the lawn, and Briar would have fluttered her fingers in front of the stream of water and kicked her feet as we were hit by the spray. Maybe around noon we would have put together a sandwich or something for Sean and then headed down to his office in the jogging stroller. We would have sat outside with Sean as he ate his lunch and cooed at his little carbon copy daughter. Instead I am trying desperately to care even the tiniest bit about anything at work. Just not feeling it. We are both so tired. Sean has been pulling really long hours and the business is experiencing the growing pains of work flow versus manpower – time to hire, but it’s a huge, terrifying leap. I am going to see Briar in about an hour. I am going to try and get re-energized so that the day doesn’t drag quite so much.
The three of us will go out with the dogs tonight and get a run in as well as some chin ups at the park. That will cheer me up. Briar loves sitting in the stroller and watching the dogs run ahead of her. She sings and waves her arms, that is until the rhythm of the road lulls her to sleep.
It’s weird, I do have a sense of pride when we are out on our runs. I am proud of the fact that I work and have this wonderful family. Some days it’s incredible because I do my thing at work and feel challenged and valued, while also getting to take part in helping Sean’s business to succeed. It makes me feel like a great mom knowing that I will be able to pass on to her the value of accomplishing things and being a part of the community. However, that doesn’t diminish the envy I have for the women who are devoting their lives to raising their kids. Seeing the play dates at the park takes me back to the schoolyard in elementary school and longing to be accepted by the group of girls playing together. Oh how it hurt to have them snub me time and again. Looking back now, I understand that I was having a good time being a tomboy and playing with the boys and that I probably would have been bored with the girls. Sigh. I wish I could have a combination of the two- work one week, spend the next week as a full time mom, and just keep alternating. I still have high hopes that in the next year or two we can have another baby and I will be able to spend time at home with Briar and her little brother or sister.
I am definitely erring on the side of maudlin today, so I am going to go do something. Motion and action chase the blues away! So, away I go.