Mondays stink. I haven’t written because everything has been going so beautifully. I have been loving my time with Briar. And Sean has been home much more to participate in just being with Briar. She loves roaming around the living room, poking her fingers in vents, touching the tv screen with her hands and face, exploring the multicolored weave of our berber carpet, playing with blocks, cruising around the coffee table, chewing the various remotes. It’s awesome to watch. Of course she pauses between these many adventures to turn her face toward me or Sean and just beam at us or scrunch her face into a mix of delight and mischief. You know, to just totally ensure that she has us irrevocably wrapped around her little finger. Such a grip she has on my heart.
Which explains why this morning it took everything I had to direct my car to Dot’s. Sean had left early for a meeting so it was just the girls. Briar was very clingy, which I don’t mind at all. I carried her around with me as I got ready. She is fascinated by tooth paste and the whole process of brushing teeth. She never impedes the process, just watches rapt. She helped me get my coffee, sat on my lap as I ate, rubbed her hand on my leg as I put things in my bag, rested her head on my shoulder as I let the dogs in. Total cuddle bug. When it came time to put her in her car seat she arched her back and sobbed. I firmly told her no and got her buckled in. She looked up at me and put her soft little hand on my cheek and said, “mom, mom, momma.”

I just wanted to stay with her. I wanted to hold her and let her climb me. I wanted to share Cheerios on the floor and play with the hose. I wanted to do anything but leave her. She sang along to the sounds of the ac on the way to Dot’s. After doing the weekend debrief and letting Dot know how things had gone she put Briar on the rug in the other room with Caden. We were talking a little more, but Briar was fussing. She just wanted to be held. I wanted to do it. I wanted to hold her and soothe her, not watch with a feeling of total impotence as someone else did it. It feels so unnatural. I mean I adore Dot and I love all that she does for Briar… I want to be her round the clock mom. I want to take care of her the majority of the time and have a special sitter for time with Sean. Guess there are always going to be good and bad days.

Dot always brings her to the door to wave at me through the window. As I was stepping out she said, “Briar will be just fine.” and gave her a kiss on the cheek. A huge lump blossomed in my throat making both speaking and breathing seem impossible. “It’s not Briar I’m worried about. I am afraid for mom.” I closed the door behind me and turned to perform my usual saying good bye to Briar antics of jumping in the air, singing and making silly faces. She looked at me with those bright blue eyes of hers and something inside of me just collapsed. I felt like throwing my head back and keening. I didn’t want her to see me crying so I cooed I love you’s and I’ll see you soons with a grin on my face and then turned on my heel, running to the safety of the car to have my inevitable break down.

Body wracking sobs. Country song about a little girl asking questions about heaven. Pacifier in the cup holder of the car. Cheerio on the floor. Stuffed dinosaur in the backseat. Burp cloth poking out of my purse. Ya, it’s going to be a crappy Monday.