Lump in my throat.
Fidgety arms needing someone to hold.
Total inability to focus on anything but the ache.
I miss Briar.
I miss Sean.
I just want time with my family.
Seems too much like ships in the night.
I know I preached about squeezing the most out of life and thriving on the frenetic schedule –
My daughter spends more time at the sitter than with me.
My husband is at the office more than he is at home.
Give me an apron, some pumps and a vacuum cleaner. Let me be the 1950’s model homemaker. Let me cook dinner, clean the house and tend to my family. And let me do it all while dressed to the nines.
Whew. Sometimes painting the alternative makes you understand you don’t have it so bad.
But seriously, I have a major case of the blues. I would really love to just slow down. We have another late night tonight, though Sean gave me an out and said I could skip the focus group, or bring Briar to it.
The thing of it is, I like the focus groups. I like working with Sean. I love it actually. It’s how we met. It’s what we do really well. Fixing up an old house, working on creative for a client, talking out difficult scenarios. I just never realized how hard having a baby would make going about with your pre-baby life.
The same things still thrill me, the same desire to challenge myself is there, the same passion and infatuation for/with Sean is there. But now I have those same feelings toward Briar. I want to approach my relationship with her, the way I do my professional life. I wan tot give her every thing I have, I want to push myself to do the best job I can.
The pie stayed the same size. Seems like somehow the universe should have allowed me (and Sean) more time. We shouldn’t have to be forced to recut the pie into smaller sizes. It should be a bigger pie, allowing us to have what we had before AND Briar. Or maybe if time just moved a bit slower so that the smaller slices didn’t seem quite so small.
You know, I have never really liked pie anyway. Stupid pie hole.
I guess I’ll just keep putting one foot in front of the other,
looking at pictures of Briar,
and beeping Sean on the cell,
counting my blessings for what I do have.
And maybe a few trips to the bathroom to have a little cry.