I have a confession to make:
There is a small part of the night terror phenomenon that I enjoy.
I love leaping from my bed and running to Briar. I love being there before she realizes she is looking for me. There are plenty of times when she cries and I leave her for a moment or two. I understand letting them work it out. But sometimes sweeping in in a magnificent flourish of mama magic, wrapping her in my arms and nuzzling her neck and whispering, “I’m here baby. Mama is right here. I’ve got you. It’s ok.” while I rock her to and fro is perfect. Sometimes she’ll stroke my face or mold her body to mine. I know this time is so fleeting and I want to lay this foundation with as much nurturing as instilling a sense of independence. I want her to know she can find solace in my arms or trust that I will give her the space to do it herself.
Ok, so there’s one more confession, more of a two parter really.
Avery sleeps through the night. I mean she really sleeps through the night. Normal for us is she is asleep by 8 and wakes up around 7. She doesn’t fuss, just patiently waits for someone to pop a head in her room. She always greets you with an, “Oh, cool. I was hoping you’d be back! Want to be joyous together?”
Well, I go in at 10 or 11 each night and nurse her. She has never asked for this and after what we went through with Briar I am probably crazy to tempt sleep fate, but I do. I go in, scoop her in my arms and hold her to me as she nurses. Some nights it’s for five minutes, others it’s more like 30. I stay for as long as she nurses and it is the sweetest night cap imaginable. Some nights I watch our reflection in the mirror by the light of the moon pouring through her window. Other times I just rock side to side watching her little face and allowing the lump in my throat to grow until I think I’ll have to cry aloud. It is on these nights when we are both feeding. My hunger for the feeling of joy she gives me is insatiable. I could stay up all night watching her, feeling her, loving her.
I confess, I am addicted to my girls and my role in their lives.