Sometimes annoying people or behaviors are so outrageous that you almost have to nod your head and say,
“Ok, you know what? That was good. I’ll give it to you, that may have been the most annoying thing ever. Great job. Way to be the best at what you do.”
There are times when the behavior is so over-the-top ridiculous that you pause to see if maybe, just maybe, Candid Camera has come a’callin’ and you are about to have some well coiffed every-man with sparkling white teeth chuckle and say,
“Ha ha ha, Amanda. Why don’t you take a look right over there and smile? Because yooooou are on Candid Camera.” Alas, it seems it’s never a jovial Allen Funt plant, but another annoying person.
The people who argue with store clerks as you wait with your half gallon of milk. They usually have a companion waiting outside the store idling an obscenely bumper stickered car and blocking the entrance. As you head home that same car pulls into the lane ahead of you just as you reach the light. The ta-tick, ta-tick, ta-tickety of your blinker fills the car as you wait to turn, absentmindedly reading the bumper stickers ahead.
I brake for unicorns.
Get off my tail or I’ll flick a booger on your windshield.
My other car is a broom.
I’m a Pepper.
Camo is my favorite color.
My child is an honor roll student.
Tiring of the bumper stickers you crane your neck to look up at the still red light. Surely they didn’t pull ahead only to sit through the light. They could have done that in the other lane. The brake lights go off and you sit forward to put the car in gear. False alarm. Just creeping toward red. You inventory the menagerie of stuffed animals lining the back window of their car. You get to wondering about the Kleenex in the center of the Gund kingdom. Can they reach it from the front? Is it ornamental? Who uses it? Allergy prone backseat passengers? Your reverie is broken by the light changing to green.
They turn. They waited nearly five minutes with no blinker, and yet they turned. A block later the brake lights go on and you slow to allow them to turn. But wait, they aren’t turning. What’s that? Oh, of course, it’s the dome light. They’ve stopped.They’ve stopped in the middle of the road alongside a parked car to ensure that you have no hope of moving forward until they have figured out what in the name of sweet baby james they are trying to do. What? What is the problem? Can’t find the Kleenex? The still burning end of a cigarette shoots out the window and is quickly followed by an empty Mountain Dew can. Why do people like this even exist? Your eyes light on the honor roll bumper sticker again. They have bred. Damnit. Move.
Eventually they do move, but you already feel the remorse of having thought truly awful thoughts about somebody’s mom or dad. But then again, maybe these people don’t have a kid. Maybe that damn honor roll bumper sticker is just covering up a a rust spot on the back end. Maybe it’s a used car and they didn’t bother to remove the bumper stickers.
Clearly I need a hobby.