Ah yes, life is good.
(takes a sip of champagne)
My plan is all coming together. I still can’t believe how well it’s all falling into place. If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would be a multi-millionaire I would have told you to go suck a pacifier.
It’s amazing even to me. A decade ago I was using my video camera to tape finger puppet movies for my kid, movies that I hoped would shut her up so I could have five measly minutes to myself. Oh sure, I included classical music and stuff on those tapes – gotta be all “educational” after all – but a few shots of rolling balls and pinwheel fans worked like a charm. Did I feel guilty for sticking my kid in front of the boob tube so that I could chat on the phone with my girlfriends? Maybe for a minute. But then I learned I could take a shower. By. My. Self. Can you call it a scam if people practically knocked down my door to get their own copies? I’ve got one word for you – Score.
Now look at me, I’m living in the lap of luxury. I turned those tapes into a line of “educational” (heh, there’s that word again) videos, books and music cds for infants and toddlers. Some pretty packaging, the name of a long dead genius (who, I should add, didn’t speak until he was three years old. Hmmm.), and four years later I sold my company for a cool 200 million to that company with the spokes-rat. Double score.
Can you believe that people actually believe that their infants are going to learn French by zoning out to that drivel? It just goes to show that you can sell ice to Eskimos if you market it well. Good marketing and feeding off of the fear of new parents. It doesn’t hurt that I look like the girl next door. Tee Hee.
Sure, I have my detractors. The American Academy of Pediatrics doesn’t care for my videos being marketed to children under two. Autism schmautism. They haven’t come up with enough proof to shut us down yet. In the meantime, show me the bling, baby.
Oh! And here’s the best part. My videos have become so popular that the President of the United States mentioned me in the most recent State of the Union Address! There was me, that guy who jumped in front of a subway train to save a total stranger and that Army Sargeant who fended off an enemy attack in Iraq. I’m sure I’m not the only one who had that little ditty from Sesame Street in their head during that introduction:
One of these things is not like the other,
one of these things does not belong.
Sure, a four year old could pull the wool over Dubya’s eyes, but one would figure that his advisors and speech writers would have caught that little gaffe.
(takes another sip of the bubbly)
Ah yes, it’s all coming together. Haven’t you heard? I represent “the great enterprising spirit of America”. World domination cannot be too far away.
“When she’s not writing scathing posts about millionaires, Mrs. Chicky is planting her 21-month old daughter in front of Tivo’d episodes of Sesame Street and Wonder Pets to get five minutes of peace. She heard they’re educational so that was good enough for her.”