You could sew my mouth shut and give me a script and I’d still find a way to stick my foot in it.
After a rather controlled and planned outburst the other day, giving voice to a rant I’d heard many times at home, but that my husband was avoiding in public, we happened to run into the recipient of said rant. He put his arm on mine right there in the beer and nuts aisle and thanked me for being direct.
Me: No problem.
Him: really appreciate it.
Me: Well, I felt like it needed to be said.
Him: Absolutely it did. You don’t disappoint.
Me: Yeah, when it comes to using my mouth I never disappoint.
I took Briar’s hand and excused us to grab some OJ.
Oh my god. DId I just tell him that I don’t disappoint with my mouth? Oh nooo. Did he go there? I cannot believe I just did that. Did Sean pick up on it? Oh my god…my mouth…never disappoints. Jesus.
Doing it in the nut aisle was a nice touch. Ha ha. Nuts.
24 hours later in our dining room.
Feeding Avery with her aunt Kelsey and my father-in-law.
I set the spoon down since she seemed to be growing tired of the food.
Me: You want some milk, honey?
FIL: Yeah, you want to have your mom give you some milk?
Me: C’mon honey, want some milk? You want it straight from the jug? Umm, the milk, you want it from the container?
I shifted in my chair and thought:
Jug? Like jugs? Did I really just say jug? Was I calling my breast a jug? Is my father-in-law…oh, god, how do I do this? Jug? WTF Amanda?
And then tonight, we’re out to dinner. We’re having a nice back and forth affectionate slam session with a brewery owner friend of ours.
Me: Seriously, you were mean to me.
Brew Friend: When?
Me: The other morning, after the storm.
Brew Friend: That was the morning after. I’m always mean the morning after.
Me: Careful what you say, that sounds odd…morning after…
I began studiously playing with the sweet potato fries on my plate.
Oh. My. God. Am I the only one who found the Three’s Company-esque nature of that morning after comment? “Mean the morning after.” Am I twisted for that? Should I qualify that statement? Am I sitting here looking like I just made an overture at this guy?
And we’ll just leave it at that for now. Stay tuned for future editions of my conversation halting blunders.