I remember sitting alone one day, Briar was napping upstairs and Avery was still a growing flutter in my belly. The sunlight streaming through the window seemed too good to shine upon me, so profound was my shame. I was having a baby and I knew I could not love her the way she deserved. I didn’t have the strength of heart left. I caressed my belly in apology, murmuring promises that I would try my best. I wept, unclear just who my guilt was for. As the pregnancy went on I made exaggerated exclamations to anyone who would listen, thinking that perhaps I could fool myself into believing. The truth was I genuinely feared what lay ahead. I did not want to meet…