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Passing

Posted on November 17, 2007

Over the past year, through losing my grandfather and coming to terms with my own mortality through the application for life insurance, I’ve acquired a deep empathy for loss. Whether it has been the loss suffered by a person I’ve never met, but care about or a person in my every day life inexplicably and unacceptably losing someone dear to suicide, my perspective now shitfs, my world turns on its axis as I feel a physical ache for their loss, for no matter how different our professional lives are or how distinct our surroundings, we are each precious. We think, feel and hurt differently, but oh so equally when it comes right down to it. When I read that Martha Stewart’s mother, Big Martha,…

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Categories: Mama Sap

There comes a moment…

Posted on November 17, 2007

The moment you realize that you just can’t quite swing wearing the clothes you’ve been wearing. Your pants may make it up over your hips, the zipper manages to find its way up despite the newfound fecundity of your backside, heck, you might even be able to get the pants to button, but that doesn’t make them passable. This day came yesterday. My favorite cords, a not quite gray, not quite mauve, don’t really match anything, but by-god-they’ve-always-been-long-enough-and-given-spectacular-ass-pants were sitting just north of my hip bones. Actually, sitting isn’t quite right, grasping on for dear life and causing a landslide of “Get me the hell out of here” overflow from my torso that I shudder to call muffin top is more accurate. I had…

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Categories: Mama Sap

Man at Work

Posted on November 16, 2007

Have I ever told you Sean calls me Man? I may have mentioned it once or twice, as our neighbor, you know, the one I’ve likened to a creature from the Dark Crystal, once came over and expounded on all the reasons why Sean shouldn’t call me “Man.” “Fuh, stawtuhs, yure a woman, yure not a man.” I nodded my head, because no matter the depths to which my self-esteem have plummeted, I’ve always known I was a woman. “Fuh, segunds, yure name is A-man-duh, there are other shortcuts or nicknames, whutevah ya call ’em. Like “N’duh,” he could call you, “N’duh.” I nodded some more, because, yes, he could certainly call me, “N’duh.” “I just doe-n like it. It’s like, it’s like it’s…

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Categories: Work

Still Thursday? Really?

Posted on November 16, 2007

I woke up Friday. Today. Every moment of today for me was Friday, which was tough, seeing as it was Thursday. Little things didn’t make sense and I would realize that it was because it was Thursday. I am not exaggerating at all when I tell you that twenty minutes would pass and I would be back, head-to-toe, in Friday. I have no idea why I was so off, for now I am just chanting under my breath, “Tomorrow is Friday, tomorrow is Friday,” lest I somehow forget during the night that I need to get up, dress myself and shuttle the girls off to the sitter’s. Toward the end of this monumentally, off-kilter day I was at the bank with Sean, Avery was…

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Categories: Love, Mama Sap

MIDWFE

Posted on November 15, 2007

This morning brought the first frost of the season. Walking to the car, the sight of my breath surprised me and the suddenness of the cold made my eyes water. I started the car and as the defroster ran I scraped the windows, my fingertips throbbing before long. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the curtains in our living room fluttering, the girls no doubt running circles around the chair as Sean sipped his coffee. I tried to bite back bitterness, I wanted to run back inside, sink back into the blurred lens wonder of our early morning routine. Driving to work I took a different route than usual. I was at a traffic light stewing, the roads were nearly empty…

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Categories: Mama Sap, Work