A while back I posted about Macy’s carrying “Junior’s Maternity.” I had been trying to find maternity clothes and was coming up empty. Many of you suggested Old Navy and Ebay. I’ve got some swell Old Navy stuff and am currently getting a whooping on Ebay with those devilish last minute bidders. I’m not sure I’m cut out for searching, falling in love, bidding and then losing. Again and again and again. So this afternoon I popped on a few sites to check out some sure things.

Ahem…

“Under belly, mid-thigh” WTF? Am I a prude or is that unacceptable?

And this?

Call it “Tall Girl Complex” but I cannot wear pants like this unless Sean and I are walking hand in hand on the beach and I have flawless highlights and baby-skin soft feet (read: never).

Oh, and then there is this…

‘Cause, ah, I can’t find enough crap in my closet that barely grazes my exploding navel.

And if my belly isn’t making me self-conscious enough…


There are “balloon sleeves” to even out my proportions, along with the cursed empire cut which always cuts my boobs in half, except this isn’t even that it’s more of a “Let’s put a seam across the top of the boobs so if they aren’t already drooping from 2.5 years of breastfeeding, we can ensure they look like salami hanging behind gauze in a butcher shop.”

Luckily, the degradation doesn’t stop at the physical realm…

We have this lovely wrap top that would surely undo me with it’s calculus level wrapping mastery prerequisite.

I did find some jeans I liked…

What’s great is that they cost $211 and come in sizes “0” and “-4.”

Can someone pass me a queen size flat sheet and some friggin’ elastic?