*F-bomb coming…for the record I fucking hate that term, but whatever, thought I should warn you.
I am coping with something I don’t know how to do, struggling to disprove what is fast becoming reality, and all I can say is, “This really fucking blows.” I am 32 weeks pregnant and for almost the first time in my life I feel unable to do things. I cannot bend over, can’t shave my legs or fasten the ankle straps of my fierce patent leather pumps.
I am unable to participate in the painting of the kitchen, powerless to do anything with the heavy unwieldy boxes blocking parts of the kitchen. I am worthless at bath time, unable to reach the girls in the tub and too uncomfortable to sit on the floor for very long.
I can’t traverse the expanse beyond any of our doors on account of the ice. I have to wait for Sean to pull the car out of the garage so I can teeter down the stairs and stand awkwardly while I wait for him to pull the car back in, hop out and help me into the car.
This morning I was doing the one thing I can still do really wall. I had snuggled myself in next to Avery in her wee toddler bed, she was rubbing her nose against mine and patting my back. I smiled and kissed her nose as her eyelids began to move slower, each blink lasting longer in the closed position than the open.
“I love you, sweetie,” I whispered as I started to get up. Then all hell broke loose. The spot on my back, just southwest of my tail bone exploded. This wasn’t the twinge of pain that accompanies me throughout my days. No, this was a big, motherfucking sledgehammer knocking me down and making me lurch explosively into a classic movie star, back arching death flop.
“Bwwaahhhh-god!” I screamed, the guttural sound slamming against the pale blue walls of the girls room and leaving both girls white faced and wide eyed.
“S’ok,” I muttered to myself as I reclined and attempted to start again from a different position. As I tried to move my body using the momentum of one shoulder and leg the pain came back. The lasers of pain shot from the same spot, pulling me back while the agony raced beyond my back and seemed to be clutching me, gnarly, grizzled hands piercing my ears and a chain pulling the base of my skull back toward my tailbone.
“What the f-aaaw…kkk, damnit!”
“Mama! Mom, why are you making that sound in your body?” Briar called from across the room.
Avery was looking at me, unsure whether to shrink away from me in an act of self-preservation or grab me in a half nelson to yank me back in bed. I shook my head, trying to move again. “I’m ok girls, just hurting. In. My. Back.”
I continued my pathetic Fosse-esque crawl and lurch, misguided jazz hand type movements punctuated my sobs as I tried to shake away my caving to the pain. My knee caps raged as I pounded across the hardwood, a controlled fall designed solely to protect my face from meeting oak. By the time I made it to the chair, I was sure that the leverage of the taller furniture would allow me to achieve an upright position.
I placed my hands on the chair and took deep breaths while Avery murmured, “Mama, hu-ht, mama, hu-ht, n’crying” and Briar hushed me with, “Mama, you’re ok.” I lifted one knee and bent my elbows and as the white hot flames of agony reignited in y back my face smashed into the chair.
“Aaaaah! I can’t. SEAN!” His response was immediate, “What? Man, babe, are you ok?” followed by the sound of his feet on the stairs.
“Yeah.”
“What is it?” He asked as he hit the top of the stairs.
“I can’t. I can’t get up.”
He rushed to me, a look of horror on his face. “Then why don’t you not. Get up. Just stay there.” He knelt down massaging the spot his fingers know so well. The massages until now had been to feel better, not to function. I was scared and pissed. Really pissed. He settled the girls back in their beds and took me downstairs to the couch and heating pad.
“Just be still. Rest.”
I tried, the pain faded, but a hum seemed to be running from my hips to my knees. Each time I tried to get up I got a big, “Oh no you don’t,” from Sean and my body. My friend Deb came over and played with the girls, Sean painted and I tried not to spend the day in a full blown pout. I don’t think I did a very good job.
I know I shouldn’t be so obnoxious, but “I can’t,” just isn’t me. And I know, for myself and for this little person, I need to say, “I can’t,” and “I shouldn’t.” I will slow down, but damnit, I am in a piss-poor mood thinking about 8 weeks of slowing down. And cue kick from within my belly to really make me feel like a heel.
Please excuse me, I have a couch to dent.
sounds like you cranked your coccyx. Ice that puppy.
Oh, ouch, Mama!
Does your insurance cover prenatal massage or physical therapy?
Hope somehow it feels better soon!
dude, that pain thing just sounds scary.
but the helplessness? the i can't? i know it well…i've spent a part of each pregnancy that went beyond the first trimester on bedrest, and hope to get far enough to do so this time. and it blows. it really, really blows…to feel fragile and vulnerable and stupidly girly "oh get that for me will you honey?" and i hate it, and yet…for me it is a reality.
and in a sense i'm lucky b/c they force it on me…whereas for most women, the incapacity just creeps up and you're not sure if you're just being some kinda wilting flower, or if you seem that way. it's actually easier, i think, to have it imposed on you externally rather than internally.
sympathies, seriously. and yeh, ice that coccyx.
Yowser. That sucks. Hope it is feeling better today and not worse. Yes and I think a massage is definitely in order. Call and book yourself right now.
Ow, that is bloody scary…
Hope that you are better now…
Dent away. Those last few weeks of the pregnancy can just suck. Feel better.
Oh, you. Hang in there. And let yourself off the hook. She'll be here soon.
Um, darlin'. You'll have three girls to take care of before you know it. SOMETHING is trying to tell you to rest up for what your future holds.
Dent the damn couch and read some blogs and write some poetry.
Yikes, I'm wincing for you. Thank god your guy is ready and willing to bail you out a bit. Milk it while you can and heal fast
Ouch, I'm so sorry, I hope you're ok! I was wincing in pain with you, you're too good of a storyteller!
I am currently relating so well to this. I am such a worker so slowing down and asking for help are not in my nature. I am having horrible back pain also. I am 30 weeks… we are almost there:)
Thats weird, I have bad pain in the exact same spot! I thought it was such a strange place to have it, since it isn't exactly my back. I am so sorry! Man, sometimes being pregnant sucks!
😉 ( only for a minute though..) I hope you are feeling better!
I just found your site and have been laughing for about 10 minutes reading it. Your girls are precious. I still remember when my son was three and asked if he could have a Fu&*ing sandwich.
That's probably your sacro-illiac joint, Manda. The relaxin hormone really can ravage it during pregnancy, of course particularly in the 3rd trimester…It's very common though, for women to have sacro-illiac issues in general – one side is typically just tighter than the other, and this can cause a lot of pain because then the other side isn't supported. Do you tend to have a dominant leg/hip/side that you stand/sit on? If you notice that you do, try shifting over to the other side. Getting in the habit of doing this can help to balance out the SI joint…It can also feel really good on the SI to just lie on your back, lift the legs in the air, and gently roll the pelvis back and forth, side to side, and around in circles, so as to massage the entire SI joint against the floor. It might also feel good, while you're lying down, to bring the soles of the feet together and let the legs relax towards the ground (or on some pillows placed at either side, under the knees). If your lower back arches or pinches a bit when you do this, definitely place a pillow under your lower back for support and try to tuck your tailbone in just a little.
PS…I am not able to remember whether you're OK with lying on your back. Obviously if you're not, disregard my advice to do that stuff; Another way to massage the SI is just by leaning against a wall and doing the same kind of motions. Either way it's really good for the SI to receive the firm and even support of the floor or the wall…Also, if you do try the pose where you bring the soles of your feet together but find that uncomfortable, instead bring the soles of the feet to the floor, about hip-distance apart, and bring the knees together, resting them against each other. This is a great relaxation pose. Let your arms rest along your sides and take some deep breaths. You can also cross your arms across collarbone/chest (like you're making out with yourself), and grasp the shoulders/shoulder blades.