You know I’d love the title to be What Not to Wear and have this be a post about how Stacey and Clinton are poised to thrust $5,000 at me for new clothes which will define the narrowest part of my waist, hoist up the girls and show the world how sassy and hawt my backside is, while Nick Arrojo and Carmindy wait in the wings to tell me how lush my tresses are and how gorgeous my hazely-green eyes are, alas, it’s not that. I fear my current propensity for whipping out my impossible-to-contain boobs makes the secret footage not-so-secret and way too hard to keep the cameras dry.
Nope, this post is about what not to do in the weeks following the birth of your third child. As we learned in week one- Don’t walk to the park, and in week two- Don’t go for an Adirondack hike. Now, just shy of week three, I bring to you a third and a fourth lesson – Do not agree to a photo shoot* and wait until the morning of said photo shoot to select the clothing you and your two youngest children will wear. More specifically, do not wait until 8am to establish that, no, in fact none of your non-maternity pants do really fit, and furthermore, neither do any of the shirts you had in mind reach the waistband of the previously mentioned pants.
At 19 days postpartum the best you can hope for is great drape to your clothes to mask miserable back fat, devastating michelin rolls, and covenient tendrils to disguise facial bloat. You absolutely must not look at the photos expecting to see something that does not resemble Chastity Bono. No offense to Chastity, but under normal circumstances we don’t look alike. Yesterday’s photos, however, reveal the lesbian, rockstar daughter in me.
Where is the chiseled jaw I have glimpsed in the mirror? The surprisingly flattish stomach? The kinda-lean for 19 days later physique? Ain’t nowhere to be seen.
Perhaps I exaggerate. perhaps not. Soon I’ll have proofs to share with you and you can decide for yourselves. Luckily, no matter how ridiculous I think I look, the kid, well, she looks dynamite. And the product we are promoting is every inch the lifesaver it’s touted to be, I have not had mine out of my sight since we brought Fin home.
* Melissa, I don’t regret it. I think the results will be great, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say this tests the vanity bone.