It’s not that this is not a magical time, because it is. We are sitting at the eve of a new era; Briar starts kindergarten in less than a month, some 8 blocks away Avery starts preschool and Fin gets a crack at being the only kid. This is the last summer of babies and yet I am without words.
I look at my laptop with an aching, I am desperate to write something down, to mark this time. I come up empty every time, either too nervous to open the dashboard on blogger or too keenly aware that the words I would write would be forced, fake, unworthy.
This is my space to remember and with very few exceptions I have kept it a place that is without artifice or the slightest sliver of something that might make me question it years from now. I think I know what’s wrong and I’ve gone round and round with whether or not to try and push through it.
Too many of you (thank you to each and everyone of you) have written to prod me—
“Should I be worried?”
“Thinking about you and hoping you are ok.”
It’s something we do, this checking in on people who’ve become a part of our routine, whether they know it or not. Look at me, so clearly stalling, even during a post intended to lay it all out there.
I am bleeding. I have been bleeding since just before BlogHer. The bleeding at BlogHer was significant and startling and occurred during my first trip away from my daughters and Sean, whilst sharing a room with two wonderful women I’d never met before.
I’ve had 3 babies in five years, I have been nursing without pause since September of 2004, I am under incredible stress and I err on the side of anxious. All of these things add up to, “Hmm, have you considered this might be hemorrhoids?”
And I have. And I promise there is nothing that I would like more than to report that I freaked the hell out over some hemorrhoids. Truly.
The thing is, this is a magical time and I have these three beautiful daughters and a husband I adore. I can’t help but wonder if I have too much, if this happiness and my health to date has exceeded the good I was supposed to get.
The doctor talked about the things it could be and very candidly put out there that Cancer was a possibility. He later said everything really points to something else, but we can’t know yet.
And so I sit, fretting and worrying, willing and bargaining. I imagine new wives and stepmoms, milestones missed and promises not kept. I doubt everything I have done to now, my convictions about organics, my theories on physical activity and fresh air. I want to be calm and have a wait-and-see attitude, but I fear that if I don’t prepare I am being irresponsible.
Honestly, I think a part of me thinks that if I share with you how Finley has started catching my eye, cocking her head and saying, “Hai wuh-yuve shoo,” and how it literally makes my knees buckle, that that will be it. That time will freeze and the knowing and chronicling of my life with three girls will stall at the first I love you’s of my last baby.
I am absolutely terrified and up until now I thought I shouldn’t say that, but there it is.
I am bleeding and we don’t know why. Tuesday I have a colonoscopy. I am hoping with everything that I have that I’ll be back here making you pee with the tales of my handsome doc and the fiberoptic scope he used to establish that the 25+ pounds of little girl goodness I’ve pushed out of me gave me more than a lifetime of loving.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know, so maybe I could find my way to writing again.
Oh, you sweet, amazing thing you. You can't have too much of love and happiness;you deserve every morsel. Keeping fingers crossed that Tuesday's visit gives you so much needed answers and that it doesn't include the C word. xoxo
You are very brave to share this, not that I'm surprised by your bravery at this point. I hope very sincerely that your handsome doctor has some great news for you soon.
You know how I feel.
I love you.
You are going to have decades more years on this earth with those beautiful babies and your handsome man.
That's such an honest post, very moving.
Looking forward to hearing some good news hopefully.
Hoping and praying for good news. Thank you for sharing that with us.
Am thinking of you.
Any unknown health issue causes anxiety, and the big C in the mix even as an unlikely possibility and the anxiety increases 100 fold. I am sorry you have that anxiety at all much at such a beautiful time of your life. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
When we have children, we only hope for the best in their worlds. So isn't it (un)funny how we imagine the worst for ourselves? Those polar mind games are in and of themselves exhausting.
I will hope for the best for you, Amanda.
my thoughts are with you amanda.
please know that you have the strength to handle whatever you learn on tuesday. and you have a beautiful family to remind you if you dare forget.
I'm glad you decided to write about this, you know we are all here for you in any way we can be.
You have all my good thoughts and prayers and I am looking forward to the post about your mortification when your own personal McDreamy walks in the room to put a camera up your butt. I've had the test, MY doc was nothing to write home about. 🙁
Oh, how uncomfortable. 🙁 Hoping for the best results, Amanda. Take care of you.
Thinking about you and hoping for the best—hanging onto "He later said everything really points to something else."
You are brave, you are strong, and we will all rally around you.
Here's to some results you can count on. Answers. That's what I wish for you, my friend.
In the meantime, just snuggle . . .
Thank you for sharing… I'm sorry that you had this news to share, though. I'm thinking of you and hoping with every fiber of my being that it's nothing. I know you are going to be shedding tears the days your daughters go to proms, get their hearts broken for the first time and walk down the aisle to their true loves.
Somehow, everything will be Ok. Much love to you and your family right now… waiting is always the hardest part.
I understand that fear of having it all so there must be something around the corner to make it not be so wonderful. I felt that fear each time I got pregnant, like I was tempting fate to hope for yet another perfect being to enter our family.
I pray that the tests will discover what is happening and that it is something easily fixed. You do deserve all that you have, and more.
i have been thinking about you.
my hunch is that everything is ok.
i will be anxiously awaiting news, because i love you.
I adore that you wrote it out there. I can not process without writing and I think a part of you needs to get it out THERE.
I'm here for you, you know that. And I completely and utterly do not believe it is that evil "C" of which you spoke nor that "if this happiness and my health to date has exceeded the good I was supposed to get." No, instead, I've been thinking so much of you and many other possibilities there are and I think it's a sucky, sure, but totally live-able solution and we'll all get through this together. Ok?
Thank you for you for always being honest and putting your life out there. You are such a joy to read and my thoughts are with you.
Good luck with the c-oscopy:: I had one in december, because of weird IBS stuff, and yes, I had a couple of benign polyps and hemorrhoids from all the child birth, but the nice thing about the procedure is that they can see so much and take samples, etc. The worst was drinking all that liquid that tastes like blood, and then not eating.
I will be thinking about you on tuesday…
enjoy those babies while you can still call them babies! And thanks for the visit!
You are fine, you are fine, you are fine.
And if you aren't fine (which you are) you will have more support than you know what to do with. I will drive myself and Zoe and Ana right up to the Adirondacks from NJ if I have to.
But that won't happen… because you are fine.
Oh girl I will be thinking of you all day tomorrow. I hope this passes quickly and you get some answers and information to relieve your stress.
Argh. I hope you get good news tomorrow, and that the problem is simple to resolve. I'll be thinking of you.
One more thing, this is irreverent, but come on, I have to try: it's just scope creep. Those words have been flying about the office and well, the irony is too much.
Don't let yourself go down that bad thought road!
Turn that sweet ass around and go back down the good thought road!
thinking of you.
today. tomorrow. and always.
I know we don't know each other very well — at all really — but I just wanted to let you know I'm keeping good thoughts for you.
Good luck today and hope you get some answers today.
thinking of you.
My prayers for you. Oh, how we want to believe the best but can't help but fear the worst. We will all know the best for you, though.
Oh good God, Amanda, I am so sorry I am late reading this. I am praying and thinking of you and your family and I am waiting anxiously to know how you are.
Love you, my friend. Love you a lot.
Wishing you a clean bill of health and less stress.
Oh, how neglectful I've been – so sorry I'm just reading this now. Please do update. Thinking of you, friend.
good gravy….how scary! hope you are reveling in the happiness of good health as I type 🙂
Oh Amanda, I just read your post and I am so sorry you are going through this.
Thank you for sharing and please let us know how you are doing.
Thinking of you!