I want to be here writing, but my heart is heavy. There is no one particular thing, rather I think it is the accumulation of many little things. I’ve been unplugging and trying to reclaim my footing. Rather than recharging I find the tokens of technology evermore loathsome. Blinking red lights, spinning wheels, junk mail and hollow missives.
I want engagement and promise. The lapping of this relationship and that striking one moment as profound and the next as something completely untrustworthy exhausts me. Who to trust, where to pause? I know certain threats, but others startle and confound me. I try to balance the emotions, to see past one thing and focus on another. I do it all to create calm and safety for myself and my family. And still the time goes by, the girls grow the deadlines come and another night passes without the moments I had hoped to have.
It is mine to repair, my duty to reclaim, reserve and refuse, but I am feeling weak and I know it, so I just turn away.
Here, at this very moment, I can touch the bit of will that can help me pull myself out, but lately it’s only a touch, not a grasp. I’m hoping it is the deconstruction before new growth. Hoping, hoping hoping.
need to talk? i’m around.
You’re not normal. You’re incredible. We’ll get there, I love you.
Oh my word…. NORMAL.
Well… at least I hope normal because I’ve been feeling versions of this lately. My posting has been sporadic. I’m feeling like life is going by too fast. I’m panicking over time going to fast. I want to share things… but sometimes I barely have time to live them, forget about typing out words. I keep thinking “I’ll catch my breath once such and such is over”… or “I’ll have a minute once we get full swing into summer”. I have trouble trying to stay in the moment and trying not to wish away the time that is going by too quickly already.
And in the middle of it all… how to 30 something year old women make friends????? It’s worse than jr. high.
Current technology has a certain twist of irony intertwined in it, doesn’t it? It brings the world closer but makes us feel smaller. Too small.
Yes, unplug. The world, big and small, will keep spinning. Your girls are YOUR world, don’t let them spin away from you.
Normal. You’ve been through a lot. Give it all time, get your family settled. You will flourish.
My blog posts are always late…
We eat out or out of the freezer
twice as often as I would like
the dishes and the laundry
make me want to Hulk Smash!
I can’t vouch for normal – but I can certainly
A touch is really just a small version of a grasp. So as futile as it seems, you still have something there. Love you.
100% normal. those feeling of complacency are normal but as lame and stupid as this sounds, there are literally millions of people in this world today that would swap their very worst day for your very best. love is an unreasonable assailant, it gets you when it wants to. but in this buffoon’s heart, i think that by loving what you do have you make yourself more ready for when love does decide to mug you.
Yes. There is always hope on the horizon. And these painful days, these realizations and reflections, are necessary to move forward and uncover that change you seek. Hang in there!
I feel the want here. And I understand it. And I don’t know how to fix it. But it feels you are on your way to figuring it out. Normal. All of it.
not only normal, but needed. Needed for balance, needed for structure, for perspective. Needed to reclaim to proclaim, to own.
I also love you and even in my own laden state, I am here for you.
Normal. completely normal. but that doesn’t make that disquiet of your soul any easier to bear. know we are here with you, experiencing our own upheaval and feeling “off”. Good days may be right around the corner, they seem to catch me just as unexpectedly.