Last night I watched Finley fall asleep. I traced her hairline and kissed the palm of her hand as her eyelids flutter. Closed.
Closed, then open for one last peek, and asleep.
I inhaled the peace, the gentle rise and fall of her chest and the feather soft touch of her breath passing her lips.
This morning I listened. I was calm and quiet, allowing the words to hit my ears even when I didn’t want to hear them. I waited to answer, said no cutting words and found peace on the other side.
This afternoon I stood, though my legs trembled and my voice hid. I didn’t rush or skip, I said every word, made eye contact and let the enormity of my gratitude and debt pass through the room. Then I smiled and took the deepest breath I’ve taken in a month.
Tonight I let them make dirt stew in the pool. I let them eat on the white carpet. I drew them a bath and then read five stories in varying accents. There were cuddles, kisses, second cuddles and extra kisses.
It doesn’t always come easy, but I am making choices.
Deciding on now.
Moving forward, because the only looking back I want to do is on things I’m glad I did.
I swear that I said to a friend just two days ago, “I’m choosing happiness.”
She told me I sounded like a commercial.
I get it; the choices we make, my dear, dear soul sister. <3
I wrote recently about finding happiness, too. It’s going around! Your girls are so beautiful.
Your girls are lovely. The hardest thing about choosing, I think, is that we have to make the same decisions over and over.
Sometimes it gets so loud and crazy in my house that it takes a lot of effort for me to choose happiness. I can get down about how I can never get my house clean and uncluttered. I can look at the laundry pile and just want to run from it. Sometimes I see all the crayon marks on the walls and just want to throw all the crayons, markers, and pencils in the trashcan! Those things can really get to me, if I let them. But, when I decide to choose happiness…it all changes. As if by magic, all those things that were once bothering me become wonderful reminders of all the love that is in my home, and how blessed I am to have so many call me “mommy”. Choosing happiness transforms everything for me. But it took me a while to learn how to do it.
My youngest is already two years old, and I still watch her sleep and trace my fingers around her ears, her eyelids, her lips…I hold her tiny hands and kiss them while she makes soft sounds as she dreams. I press my nose into her soft baby hair to smell the combination of baby shampoo mixed with her sweet scent. I choose to do this; I take the time for this happiness, even though around me the house is quickly crashing down due to all my other children who are running about, making noise and messes, getting into toys that were put away just 20 minutes ago, roaming through the pantry and refridgerator for one last snack before bedtime…basically, taking advantage of the fact that mommy is in the other room putting the baby to bed. I know that with my choosing happiness in the moment from extra long cuddles with my littlest, there comes the consequence of more work for me later as I clean up whatever the other kids have gotton into during that time. But it’s still worth it. I choose happiness in the moment everytime. I never regret it.
You have three beautiful daughters. What blessings. They must bring you so much joy.
Enjoying your blog very much 🙂