Twenty minutes ago I reached for the white flag.
I am too tired to cry.
Too tired to be angry.
Too tired to do anything but stare out the window until the next plea for help.
My hands are raw, cracked and bleeding from the incessant hand washing. I am, probably hopelessly, trying to prevent the spread of the bug that has battered Briar to but a wisp of her self. I’ve laundered everything, scrubbed, and then scrubbed again, every surface. Neither my cleaning nor my attempts to soothe are making a bit of difference for Briar. Her underwear balloon around her shrunken pelvis, her lips are split and scabbed and her body is so weak she literally cannot brush the hair from her own eyes. The ER visit and subsequent IV gave me hope that she would rally.
As I sit here about 36 hours later, she is still dry heaving off and on, what little she is able to ingest is expelled involuntarily into her pants which bruises the wee spirit beneath her tiny form.
Finley is sick again. The same blasted head and chest thing that she has had 3 times this winter. Her eyes are rummy, her nose is runny and her skin is blotchy. She cannot sleep as the coughing fits threaten to gag her. She clings to me, railing against any comfort other than my arms and my attention.
Avery is forlorn, desperate for attention, unsure how to get it and grimly worried that her sisters are going to die.
I am questioning my fitness as a parent, reflecting on this stretch from September to April in which we have had a mighty sickness of one sort or another throttling our family.
They’re watching a movie now, yet I find myself tensing, exhausting every part of me in anticipation of what will come next. I realize that in the grand scheme of things we are very blessed, but as I get clumsier from exhaustion and the edges start to fray more on our little family, I just wish we could be healthy again.
I am weary, so very, very weary. I am mired in the desperate need for help and the sense that I have to do it all myself. I know rationally that I need to care for myself, but when the night is pierced by Briar’s screams for help, when Fin’s hacking morphs into a garbled gag, I cannot be still. I have to be the one holding Briar and stroking her brow, my arms must be the ones to prop Fin up as she hacks, I scoop Avery up and cuddle her. I know that I am wearing myself out, but I cannot stop. But I need to.
i’m so sorry.
i love you all and am sending wishes for good health, stat.
i wish i were there to lift some of the burden.
Honey. There is nothing to say that you do not know. So I’ll just sort of cry while I read this with you, ok? Ok.
I am here.
And I’m so sorry.
Sending you all my deepest love.
SO sorry you’re going through this! I don’t know what kind of bug is going around, but I’m so sad that it’s hit your little girl. It’s such a helpless feeling seeing our kids like that. Poor babies. All of you.
Hugs and prayers to your little girl, and the whole family.
I hope she comes around fast.
Oh God I am so sorry. My baby Ever had RSV at ten weeks old and was hospitalized for eight days, on oxegen and pressurized air and etc. I know the awful helpless feeling.
Have you considered that something in your house is making you guys sick? I’d have your home inspected for mold and the heating/airconditioning looked at, add an air purifier and even some green plants. Those are things we’ve done that have helped. It could be that something in your home is making your family sick and finding and eradicating the allergen or toxin can make all the difference.
Also I know this sounds contrary, but apple cider vinegar is magic for stomach bugs. I make my kids sip some every hour or two and it absolutely helps. Also for chest colds, garlic is amazing. It’s an antiviral and antibiotic that works specifically well on the lining of the lungs to help them heal. Neti Pots are magic for congestion.
Hang in there momma.
I’m so sorry!
Did the ER not write Briar a script for Zofran? If not, would your pediatrician call on out for you?
As for Finley, try Benadryl (especially at night, about 30 minutes before sleep). It dries up the mucus and calms the cough.
Hang in there, I know it is tough.
I have no words, just a virtual hug. Probiotics?
So sorry. It all sounds particularly brutal. Winter has been so difficult for so many people. I’m hoping your girls are on the mend very soon and back to their sunny selves.
For coughs, we’ve had luck with Delsym. It might help to quiet her chest a bit, and ultimately give Fin some sleep.
Hug Briar for me, poor babe.
Wishes for good health being sent your way.
Oh man. This just made me cry. I can’t even imagine how hard it is from your end. You guys have most certainly been battered this year.
I’m wishing you all a quick recovery and better days ahead with all my heart.
I am so, so sorry. Thinking of you and hope all of you are healthy and strong again soon!!!
This winter has been awful for us too, so my heart goes out to you. And then when things settle it’s the two-week process of reminding them how to sleep through the night again.
My heart & prayers to you.
You’re weary because you have the capacity for an unnatural amount of love and patience. And I love you for that. Try and look up, mama. You’re protecting your family the most amazing way you can. With your arms all the way around them. xo
Poor wee ones. The worry is like lead in your soul. I hope everyone is on the mend soon and summer ushers in a season of wellness and light.
ALso, honey, warmed in a spoon, is awesome for coughs.
Oh honey, I am so sorry. It’s not your fault – sicknesses have been particularly bad everywhere this year. And of course you have to be the one to hold and stroke and calm…you’re a spectacular mom. I hope you’re all feeling better soon and that you are able to catch a quick break. xo
I’m so sorry to hear about your girls – i hope they get better, that is such a scary feeling. we started remodeling our bathroom and my 5 yr old developed an awful cough that lead to asthma kicking in. It was a really hard 2 wks and i felt very helpless much of the time. thinking you & your family
Nothing seems to be worse than having to deal with your children being sick. It’s just heartbreaking. I hope with Spring getting stronger and more outside time everyone will get a break from the germs and illnesses.
Yes, you’re wearing yourself out but what else? I could say – you won’t be any good to them if you get sick too but really, Moms are comforters in chief. Your babies need you and you need to be there for them because you won’t feel good anywhere else. And this will pass. But for now – I send hugs and wishes for strength and endurance and WELLNESS! Poor Briar ..
I’m so sorry your girls are sick right now, and I’m thinking about your family. This winter was rough for us, too, but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there and take care of yourself, so you can continue to care for your girls.
Oh baby girl. That poor wee little pumpkin. You are not a crap mom, you are simply human and tired. gather those babies up and take a big family nap
Oh Mama Bear, I’m just seeing this now. Hope the weekend was kind to you and your family is on the mend.
Amanda, I’m so sorry, I had no idea you guys were sick until the other day when you tweeted me back. And I had no idea it was so serious until now. I’m thinking of you guys. Glad to read Briar went back to school.