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Posted on May 21, 2009

I am still reeling a bit from the news. I keep thinking, “How long did they know?” “Did they know when I was giving my presentation?” “Did they know when he sent me that email?” “Did they know in the days that followed?” And then it twists and my pondering gets ugly. Angry. “Did they listen down the hall?” “Did they know before me?” “Do they feel bad?” I mean it’s ridiculous. The decision was made based on certain immutable facts. I have no business feeling resentment toward people that were not involved, or who at least had no say in the matter. But then the wicked side of me chirps, “Are you sure? Are you sure they didn’t throw your name out to…

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Mama, when I grow up…

Posted on May 17, 2009

It’s a little game we play, more of a way of life these days. “Mama, when I grow up I want to have grown out bangs.” “Mama, when I grow up I wanna be a teacher.” The first was from Briar, the second from Avery. They are each progressing and questing at such a pace that their desires for the future change with each new experience. Last weekend we went to the wedding of a cousin. She was everything little girls would hope for in a bride; radiant, twinkly, delighted to kneel and talk to little girls, and resplendent in layers of beaded satin. The ceremony was something that awed each of the girls, such pomp and circumstance with the bride’s brothers in kilts,…

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Posted on May 15, 2009

Tomorrow Ave will be three. I’ve been sitting here trying to find just the right picture to represent what she’s been and who she’s been and the ways she has changed me. I can’t. I’ve had fun going back and reliving the ride that has been the last three years. Watching video of how she used to approach Briar, try to engage her, play with her, only to literally be pushed down with an emphatic, “Ay-ree, guh-way!” from a toddler Briar. I wish I had understood more clearly than who she was. She’d pop back up, let loose a raspy chortle and continue on her way, pursuing Briar with unflagging exuberance. I worried so much, from whether or not I could love her like…

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I’ll just get right to it

Posted on May 12, 2009

“This is the hardest conversation I’ve had to have since 2003,” he said. I set my notebook down as I realized what I’d been summoned to hear. “It’s ok,” I said, though behind my bright smile, every part of me was howling, “Nooooo. Nooo, this isn’t happening!” ******** I am officially a statistic, a victim of the economy. My position is being eliminated. My health insurance is gone. I have the option for Cobra, maybe even some federal plan for those that are laid off. I just don’t have what I’ve had anymore. I know that we’ll be ok, but I know something else now too. When it is not your decision, when you have done your job, when you have to wait ten…

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