I think a lot of us have at least two personas, maybe three.
There is the: this is who I project to parents at the bus stop or coworkers “me.”
This “me” is self-deprecating and only admits to truly egregious failures with tongue planted firmly in cheek, this “me” also never owns a triumph too proudly.
End result- hopefully the image of you is so hazy they can neither assume you are a total hack nor accuse you of arrogance.
There is the: This is who I want to be “me.”
This is the one against which (who? whom?) I measure my success or failure. You know, the completely impossible to live up to, unattainable, unremarkable (because she’s too-perfect-to-be-believed) me. The bitch about this one is that I can’t write exactly what is true, which is that she can’t ever be, and yet I still bang my head against this wall all the time.
End result- I fail. I’ve never met her, though I swear I have been hot on her trail a couple of times before falling flat on my face. Publicly.
Then there is: the “me” I share in 1-dimensional, totally open to interpretation (or more likely, misinterpretation) like Twtitter, Facebook, or even this blog.
This is the me created to wring the most from a moment or scenario. On Twitter I might use this me to make someone laugh, even if what I am saying is bent to please them. Is it a lie? No. Am I playing to that audience? You bet. I still fluctuate in followers all the time, so even pandering doesn’t make a perfectly likable profile.
As to Facebook, let’s be honest, for a lot of us Facebook has long since stopped being about friends. It might have been a spouse letting someone in you had intended to keep out and then…awkward, so you accept the friend request (please, if we are friends, don’t read too far into this) or those damned friend suggestions that you begrudgingly click because you think they are a friend request and then realize you have in fact friend requested someone you never had an interest in being friends with, online or off. Gah. Hate. Anyway, I once erred on Facebook, within less than an hour it exploded in my face. I retracted and apologized. Time and a place, my friends, time and a place. That realm has perhaps the richest potential for misinterpretation or for my intentions to get misdirected like the honey when it finally shoots out of that cantankerous old bear.
For this blog what it means is that I don’t do several things, which doesn’t mean they don’t happen, it just means I am not going to write about them here. Kind of like the George Carlin list they are:
Fights – marital
Fatigue – parental
Sex – ((blush))
BMs – anyone’s, that 1 holy diaper explosion at Crossgates being the exception 5+ yrs ago
Digs – online, I didn’t fight on the blacktop and I won’t do it from my desktop
Feuds – local or otherwise
Here is the deal, Sean and I fight. There are inequities in our relationship, I can be a nag, he can…you know how it goes.
I don’t choose to write about it here because those things are temporary and I am keenly aware of their triggers and resolutions, both of which I play a direct role in creating. I do not need to be reminded how I felt during an awful moment, I do not need for the girls to read things that weren’t permanent. I have a passionate relationship that I work at every single day of my life. I share the most joyous of those moments here as if to say, “This is why I work as hard as I do.” I am not trying to project a perfect marriage or to say that we have the equation down pat, because all those other words up there I say I won’t write about, they apply to marriage and parenting, well maybe not the sex. Sort of. Before. Awkward, never mind.
Some people do a very entertaining and well crafted job of writing about how insane life with kids can be or how volatile their marriage is and I read them because I love the way they write or the places they take me. What I endeavor to do here, sometimes less effectively than others, is to say that life, even sticky, harried and under pressure, can be beautiful. I still wake up and look at my face in the mirror and think, “Oh, could I just put a touch of fat right under my eyes, change that cowlick in my bangs, undo that thing there…” and on and on.
I am tired.
I yearn for things.
I screw up.
Despite all of that, I come here to cherish whatever bits of good I have found in my day…or week. Everyone is muddling through, each with their own set of obstacles, blessings and speeds.
I have a friend who never fails to underestimate her own brilliance. I know she’ll be reading this before long, so bear with me as I turn to face her and say, “You have what it takes. Don’t ask for what you need with an apology, don’t allow how he responds to your request to diminish how you enjoy what happens on the other side of his yes. Just last night I declared that I couldn’t enjoy my time writing if I felt everyone wasn’t happy. That was not fair. I, we, have to share what we want in clear, unapologetic voices. Backing down hurts everyone. In the end I got to write and everyone was happy, but in full disclosure honesty, it had the potential to get ugly. Sean came around out of respect for the way we work hard to get to the joyous moments. I came around because I was being unrealistic. You can and must do it and little by little, it will happen.”
I think in all the me personas that we each have, it’s tough to remember that we will never be exactly who and how we were before and who we will become is something we play an active role in creating.
I suppose today I have let all the Amandas sort of collide here in a sloppy, rambly way, but the truth is kind of sloppy. And life is imperfectly, unplannably and irresistibly beautiful. Don’t be afraid to emphasize what brings you joy, you may just find the smile sticks a bit longer.
Tagged: Confidence
“What I endeavor to do here, sometimes less effectively than others, is to say that life, even sticky, harried and under pressure, can be beautiful.”
After lurking for a few weeks –
I think what I like best about your writing is that it’s so in tune with my made-up religion about how life is short and what we were meant to do with it is this: Appreciate it. Document the appreciation. Share the appreciation. Honestly, and from your own perspective, because that’s the big special thing we have that’s unique. You do it so well.
Thanks for putting it all out there.
It’s inspiring.
I kind of follow your list of “don’t write”s. Not neccessarily on purpose… but because the place for those things doesn’t feel like the internet.
I have written about BMs a couple of times though. Because sometimes…. toddler and poop are just too funny.
I’ve started and stopped this comment 3 times. I am not sure why.
We all have those different selves we share – as we feel comfortable doing. What you said about colliding Amandas at the end, is kind of how I see you. So smart and driven, yet stiving to be accepted. So physically strong and beautiful but always first to throw those imperfections out there. SO talented as a writer and wonderfully elegant in expressing emotional depth some people don’t even feel, much less share.
I think your ‘selves’ collide here much more than you are aware. On the other hand, would I really know? Hmmmm…..
I swear you are the only person I’ve ever seen write about all the different personas and projections we weave into our lives in such a way that I’m sitting here nodding and going YES! ME TOO! I can relate to all your different “me” descriptions (lot of similarities)
Gah, I could go on and on about this topic but I’ll just leave it at this—great post, Amanda 🙂
Beautiful. All of this. It’s why I keep coming back . . .
Speaking of which. Could you enable that little feature at the top of your blog that lets us readers subscribe by email? My reader has been neglected for months and I am beginning the arduous task of cleaning it out and possibly even fading it out of use. So I am visiting my Cream sites and subscribing via email. I get updates quicker, at a time that is convenient for me, and can give your words the respect they deserve. So . . . wouldya couldya?
And as for that video? Send it along. I’m planning a final post of sorts and need something interesting to wrap it up with . . .
Every one of my Amandas thanks you.
What a great post…I was nodding in agreement the whole time. This is what I think is brave about blogging at all…you’re writing for people who know you in a million different contexts. Just the other day I had a post in my head about how I am the dude in my relationship but I didn’t want my parents reading about how, after the first time I had sex with my now husband, I went home to sleep in my own bed. Ah, so liberating, I can leave my TMI on Your blog. Sorry…but yeah, I totally get it and I think you put it perfectly!
This was a really beautiful post, Amanda. We are all so multidimensional. We try to peg eachother into little holes or slots but the truth is, we never really fit there and when we do, say, type, or link something that doesn’t fit in that slot, others tend to react. Relationships are complicated and dynamic, people are complicated and dynamic. Thank you for showcasing your many Amandas.