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Edgeless

Posted on February 12, 2011

There were razor sharp edges this week. Every way I turned I came upon resistance, literal and figurative. The harder I tried to push them away, the more futile I knew it was. I got angry, I gave up, I wept and then I just gave in. I stopped fighting, accepted (actually asked for) a shoulder. Once I stopped focusing on how alone and perilous my situation felt, I realized I was in the middle of a tight circle of people. They stood with me and suddenly it was as if a veil had been lifted. I laughed. I resolved not to let myself feel anything more than I feel my joy. And damn if getting rid of the edges hasn’t made my joy…

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Categories: Me

Clutch

Posted on February 8, 2011

She likes purses, particularly dainty, expensive, rarely-used-by-me clutches. When asked what her doll or stuffed animal is named she says, without fail, “She’s sassy.” People say, “Sassy? That’s her name?” and she grins, nods emphatically and says, “Yes, just Sassy.” I’ve tried to understand what it is that has allowed her to slip under my skin so completely and all I come up with is that when she was inside of me she grabbed on, knowing the ride of being number 3 in a family of personalities. And so here she sits, firmly rooted, clutching a part of me that has only ever been hers. My sweet Sassy.

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Categories: Mama Sap

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According to who

Posted on February 6, 2011

The supportive murmurs of, “Perfect enough,” “Considering all you do…” and “They won’t remember” hit me and then slid right down, landing in an unhelpful puddle at my feet. I’m not trying to please my kids, my husband or society. I have an internal barometer of what’s ok that cannot be quieted. Not unlike the dogs that maniacally chase their own tales, stopping only sporadically to breathe, bark and start up again. They spin because they must. I chase and chase and chase a perfection that I continuously nudge ahead of what I accomplish because I don’t know any different. Draft more copy. Call more clients. Do more crafts. Iron the the pillow cases and flat sheets. Scour the fridge shelves. Purge the snack…

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Categories: Mama Sap