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So proud of you, *baby*

Posted on October 30, 2009

Have you ever watched your child and very nearly exploded with the force of your pride? Weeks pass when that’s an hourly thing, other times it catches me off guard and I reel from the potency of it. I can honestly say it’s one of the sweetest gifts I have found as a parent. Watching— no ownership, no jealousy, just an all-consuming need to multiply the celebration, to unfurl each ribbon of triumph and alert every tower, ensuring that sirens and applause enough attend the momentous event. Have you ever watched someone else’s child do something that deserves a cheer? Scaling a ladder or scrawling a name in dirt with a gnarly branch? I try not to judge, try not to compensate, but every once…

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Like Riding a Bike

Posted on October 27, 2009

Autumn seems to spark a sense of hope for me (when I am not fretting over a sluggish real estate market, shattering cosmetics, dull skin, sore feet and sparsely decorated bank accounts.) I love the way the leave and wood fire smoke smell like new clothes from the Bon Marche in Eugene, Oregon circa 1983 and how the swirling leaves and gust of wind remind me of wind sprints and crunches at dusk. I am reminded of the way tomorrow is just around the corner, tempting me with all the things that might happen. I am finding this all multiplied now as I spend my mornings with the girls peeking through windows and exclaiming, “Frost!” Me, not them. I am excited to share these…

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Posted on October 26, 2009

She usually points at the stained glass window and breathes a reverent, “Ah winnow, mama. Ah winnow,” stretching out a pink finger and staring wide-eyed. This morning, going down a less travelled staircase, she was drawn to first the Choir Room and second the Sanctuary. We looked at the pictures of choir directors in robes and standing beside pianos, then at the faces of singing congregation members. “Ah singin’ singers sing,” she nodded. I smiled, taking her hand and leading her toward the door. She held her arms out and said, “Mama, ‘old me?” She settled in my arms and we slipped down the stairs, admiring the window and the shapes the light cast through it onto the floor. When we got down the…

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Not Quite Numb

Posted on October 24, 2009

This has been without question one of the most exhausting and challenging weeks I can remember. I find myself stuck in a place of forced silence. Things at work are intense and all-consuming, but not of a nature that we can share. Some of the experiences with kindergarten and pre-school are things that I can’t describe for the preservation of the girls’ privacy or my own inclusion in day-to-day things. This is to say that boy, oh boy do I have opinions and stories, but I am in the unoriginal position of needing to zip it, because it all touches so many more people now. It is as if the lines of my life have slowly, unbeknownst to me, shifted so close as to…

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Malleability of perspective

Posted on October 15, 2009

All I can say is, thank goodness I don’t have an immobile perspective. I mean on some things I do, but I am learning to be looser with other things. I think it may have to do with being able to endure that moment when you feel as if you might explode— from anger, from fear, from anticipation or just not knowing— when you can get to the other side you are almost always rewarded. You taste something new, dodge hate or be relieved of a weight you’ve carried. Family. It isn’t easy, steeped in regret, dashed hoped, exorbitant expectations and it-is-what-it-is-ness. It is also what I feel like I always turn to, it s the place I turn inside when I am at…

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