Posts tagged “grief”

I Don’t Want To…

Posted on October 26, 2012

Lately Briar has been preoccupied with the idea of growing up. She seems convinced that by doing so, I will somehow cease to be her mom. Last night we talked, nose-to-nose about what growing up really means. I tried to explain that as she gets older she won’t want to spend time with me. “Instead of being annoyed with your sisters, you’ll be annoyed with Dad and me.” She rolled her eyes, as if. I tried a different tack. “You know how you helped me rake leaves today while your sisters played out back? That was incredible and it was very grown up. As you grow up, we’ll keep doing that—discovering new things together.” I watched her as she considered it. No go. She…

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Categories: Mama Sap

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Life’s Curves

Posted on October 3, 2012

This morning the phone rang with news that a colleague, friend and mentor died unexpectedly. This person was someone who was loosely threaded through so many different chapters of our time in Glens Falls and Queensbury. He walked me through my first press check. He wore a velvet robe and laurel wreath as Father Christmas during the holidays and read Robert Frost to our girls. He brought soups and sauces he made into our first office and then our second office. He sent me messages of wisdom about never letting go of your dreams—he said very plainly, “Don’t ever grow up. Just don’t.” He kept us honest at work, encouraging us, chiding us and ribbing us in the way only a person who truly…

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Categories: Random

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We Lost Her

Posted on June 1, 2012

Not too long ago I wrote about the Finley wondering about whether our friend Betty would be alive the next day. This afternoon came the moment when the answer became no. No, honey, Betty won’t be there next time. She slipped away this afternoon, precisely at the moment when we had all begun to wonder just how long she would have to suffer. It doesn’t make her having gone any easier, but it does make it easier to explain to the girls that Betty was an athlete. Betty was a force. She was spry and spunky nearly to the end, and so it is the she that she was as she felt pain and limitation that we say goodbye to. It’s the wry, raucous…

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Categories: Love

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Someday

Posted on May 29, 2012

I read a post* the other day about not counting on someday. It got me thinking about how often I do things thinking they’ll be great memories to have years from now. 10, 20, 40 years from now as I sit beneath a fan on a porch (because oh, how I covet the idea of a porch with a fan. It’s just so deliciously unnecessary and wonderful). I remembered the moments when something took me by surprise and I genuinely reveled in that very moment. It’s a mistake to do it for another time, but keeping a grasp on how not a single moment is guaranteed is very nearly unsustainable. Oer this Memorial Day Weekend I felt very close to grief, aware of loss.…

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Categories: Random

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“Will she still be here?”

Posted on April 27, 2012

Finley has been spending a large part of her days at Nana’s house. She goes to school in the morning, most days she asks me to drive her and requests that we not take “the secret way” which is code for an alley parents can take to have teachers pick the kids up and shepherd them into the building. We walk in hand-in-hand, kiss dramatically at the door and, and then off she goes for 2 hours at school and four hours at Nana’s. It was hard for me at first, equal parts guilt and jealousy swirling about the fours hours I might otherwise have her each day. It’s become clear that she loves it. These hours in her day are separate from life…

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Categories: Mama Sap

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