Seriously, Sean, this is the kind of post that shatters the illusion of grace and wonder that I have so laboriously cultivated with my never-ending quest to look perfect…ok, we’re both laughing now, but seriously, this is probably more entertaining for pregnant women, and maybe fat guys, but maybe not.
I tend to do several things at once –
watch tv and blog
do the dishes and cook dinner
manage painting projects and telecommute
Nothing too earth shattering, right?
I also scrub the grout while bathing and Clorox wipe the bathroom after getting out of the shower, I heard once that by doing these little things you stay on top of cleaning etc without realizing it. Well, something I’ve done for quite some time is brush my teeth while peeing. As any pregnant woman knows, you have you have to pee a lot and, frankly, it gets tedious. Ok, this part gets a little, umm, personal. Our bathroom is little, like really almost too small to accommodate a toilet sink and shower, but amazingly, despite its coziness, I cannot spit in the sink while sitting on the toilet. This means, ahem, maybe once or twice I have spit a foamy toothpaste mouthful into the toilet as I sat peeing. Fast forward to last night.
There I was, brush, brush, brushing and push, push, pushing. No I wasn’t ‘earning chocolate’ as Briar would say, I was trying to relieve the relentless need to pee, which was really some sort of physiological illusion compliments of the long-limbed joker in my belly who has taken to fucking with my bladder at all hours of the day while also making freaky footprints on the skin just beneath my rib cage. Anyway, there I was, wincing and pushing with a mouthful of spit. I went to do my usual thing in the toilet when it hit me, literally. My belly is too large and the minty foam splashed against my belly, clinging to it in what can only be described as an obscene smear.
Just as I stood to clean it my ability to pee came back. I’m telling you folks, this pregnancy thing, it ain’t for the faint of heart.
LMAO. I'm sorry to laugh, but let's face it. It's funny!
I know you are super sick, but I am so glad you posted this today. I knew where this was headed about halfway through the post and started cracking up before you even said it. But I have seen those belly pictures at the sink and even if you chose to spit in the sink I am afraid that you may still hit the same target.
"Smear" is obscene no matter what. Look at it: smear. It's just… gross!
Ahhhh…the indignities of pregnancy.
oh, girl!! the humanity!
pregnancy is dignity stripping at every turn!
I always found it funny, that culturally pervase image of the pregnant woman as flawless and beautiful. No doubt, the silhouette is striking, and the work being done on the inside, simply amazing. But this (hilarious, by the way) story sort of seals it, doesn't it? There ain't nothin' glamourous about it.
You crack me up. Too funny…
Perhaps the next remodeling project should be the bathroom. There's really no good reason why the sink can't be within a spits reach of the toilet, right?
that is totally freaking hilarious! I have never tried such a stunt but I could totally see myself doing it!
And, um, maybe once or twice you've tried that? Even without being preggers, that takes some aiming darlin'. Either that, or you need to sign up for some watermelon seed spitting contest.
Oh, you poor girl.
Have you tried stretching your legs out like you're a clock and they're the hands pointing at 10 and 2? That helps really empty the bladder.
Gosh, pregnancy is fun. Fun and elegant.
It's been a while since my wife was great with child, and honestly I miss those days. My wife had a way of letting all the indignity hang out into the wind, especially by the time her fourth pregnancy was in full swing. She cursed, she cried, she said I *would* have that little operation *NOW* and she loved me anyway.
What an amazing story. I laughed. I cried. It moved me.