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Maybe it will

Posted on May 29, 2010

We were gathered on the porch waiting for Sean to come home. My hair was dancing around my face in a neener-neener-it’s-humid halo and my feet were grubby and battered from puttering barefoot all morning. My arms were wrapped around my knees as I leaned back into the bench watching them. Three stair step heads, swinging tousled tresses out of pale, bright and dark blue eyes. They were swinging legs and arms every which way over the balustrade and making sounds of exuberance that exhausted and lifted me at once. A navy masked bird of some variety kept swooping low and alighting on the birdfeeder before dashing away as if the girls were giving chase. “Mama, why’s he go so fast like that?” Briar…

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Posted on May 28, 2010

I want to be here writing, but my heart is heavy. There is no one particular thing, rather I think it is the accumulation of many little things. I’ve been unplugging and trying to reclaim my footing. Rather than recharging I find the tokens of technology evermore loathsome. Blinking red lights, spinning wheels, junk mail and hollow missives. I want engagement and promise. The lapping of this relationship and that striking one moment as profound and the next as something completely untrustworthy exhausts me. Who to trust, where to pause? I know certain threats, but others startle and confound me. I try to balance the emotions, to see past one thing and focus on another. I do it all to create calm and safety…

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Angles of guile

Posted on May 17, 2010

I saw a tweet that made me smile, like ear-to-ear, nodding and then saying “Yes,” out loud, smiling. See, I have discovered that we all have our days. We all feel ugly, fat, old, or just less-than. Fine, noted, moving on. What good does staying on that side of things get us? Do we get extra points for self-loathing? Is that somehow better than, dare I say it, a little bit of vanity? Can we overlook the soft tummy and maybe comment on the spectacular cheekbones? I mean dig deep, put on a pair of happy shoes and look from toes to sky, avoid the mirror if you must, but for pretty’s sake, find some silver in your lining. Which brings me to yesterday.…

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Work with what you’ve got

Posted on May 7, 2010

I always feel kind of sheepish when I discover something that’s been there all along. Like my revelation is somehow magnificent, when really, it’s just overdue. We are saving for a house— the contract has been accepted, we love it, we’re ready for the next chapter. We are believers in creating your own destiny, but we are also intimately familiar with Murphy’s Law, so we’re nervous. We are in hardcore belt-tightening and breath-holding mode. Now, I may be alone on this, but I doubt it. Diets, mandatory spending freezes and proclamations of celibacy all make you… WANT WHAT YOU CAN’T HAVE! I have been trying to rethink my wardrobe and find new ways to make myself feel good. For the first time in my…

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Look at me!

Posted on May 6, 2010

Finley and I were in the attic of the garage searching for something when she darted over to a pile of things. “Mama!” she squealed, “Look at me right dere when you are holding me!” Her face is alight as she beams at a large photograph, her tiny finger touching the little form in my arms. “Oh, honey, that’s Ave. You are right there,” I said pointing just beyond the figure to my stomach. The picture was taken about 6 weeks after we found out I was pregnant. “You were growing in my belly and I was smiling because we were so excited you were coming!” Finley peered closer at the photograph, “Dat’s not me, dat’s Avery? I was in yours belly?” she asked incredulous.…

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