Posts tagged “Confidence”

Passionate Distortion-Making Sense of Life

Posted on October 13, 2014

I remember the first time I took the girls to Target as a reward. They had helped me clear leaves in the backyard and I had told them that I would take them to the store to pick out a treat. It just didn’t occur to me how difficult it would be for them to manage the sensory assault. Each aisle made their eyes a bit wilder, each new shelf of LEGOS, Barbie, and My Little Pony made them blurt, “This, this is it.” “Easy, easy. Take a minute, just walk with me and let’s try to decide which thing is the most interesting,” I said walking and scanning the shelves. “Ok,” Ave said as she tossed a box back into a bin and took…

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Categories: Roar

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Quiet Your Doubt

Posted on October 6, 2014

“I wish I could shower without my thoughts,” I said to Sean absentmindedly as I towel dried my hair. I’d been doing battle with people who haven’t listened, replaying conversations that are already inked and smudged beyond repair. He looked at me and took a deep breath, I felt my shoulders go up in defensive anticipation and then back down. “Me too,” he said and smiled gently. “Hard to turn it all off sometimes.” It felt pretty good to not be judged, but my mind immediately set itself back to judging—flitting from why I chirp “yup” during conference calls to the clothes hanging  in the closet, to the roller coaster of 40something skin (Is it a break out? Is it flaking dry skin? Is…

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Categories: Me

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All the Flavors—sad to happy to wow

Posted on August 25, 2014

“We’re going to try and have an adventure, ok?” I gently cajoled. “Really, what is it?” They asked. I shook my head, “I want it to be a surprise.” They blurted out guesses that quickly began to make my plans for an afternoon at the county fair seem kind of lame. “Nope,” I said trying to keep my spirits up as I weaved defensively through the weekend traffic. “Mom, is it ok if I take a nippy-nap?” Finley asked quietly. “Sure, of course. Do you feel sick?” I asked worried. “Yes, do you feel sick, Fin? Are you going to throw up, because if you are we should stop,” Briar said in a mixture of fret and lecture. “No, I’m just tired.” I wondered…

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Categories: Me

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Testing Body Image

Posted on July 21, 2014

We were sprawled out in the backyard. Sean was spraying the big girls down with a hose and Finley was devouring a sandwich in a lawn chair. The cat and dog were at our sides, both seemingly delighted that we were spending the day in a way that they could be with us. As the grass began to get soppy Sean passed the hose to Briar and Avery and gave them a three minute warning. “Three minutes and the hose is done!” “Okaaaaaaaay!” the girls screeched. Briar was in a purple and black suit, Ave a black rashguard with paint splatter accents and matching bottoms. They darted this way and that, their bodies shiny. Briar’s legs are long and slender, the stretch from knee…

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Categories: Me, Roar

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The Saying Goes…

Posted on July 14, 2014

Years ago in my carpentry days I worked with a guy named Clay. He was from North Carolina and had the kind of drawl that authors take paragraphs to bring to life until it becomes the cadence of your very thoughts. As we would work feverishly in the scene shop at Delftree building sets for the Williamstown Theatre Festival, we’d take smoke breaks and bitch breaks. One late night walking toward the loading dock Clay said, “This whole thing makes about as much goddamn sense as going through your asshole to get to your belly button.” That saying has stayed with me because I’ve built a life on doing things the hard way. Whether it’s insisting on doing something myself, adjusting my plan to…

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Categories: Me, Roar

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