Today was an exhausting day. There’s no punch line coming

I spent the day at the County Jail for a Leadership program. I did the same thing last year so I thought I was prepared. I drank an extra cup of coffee and brought extra layers (cold and boring last year). There was no amount of coffee or fleece that could have prepared me.

The DA talked to us for no less than 90 minutes regarding a recent case she tried up north. It involved what was ultimately the murder of a three year old. Fucking insane. I think I understand why she spoke to us the way she did, her voiceweaving in and out of clinical and compassionate. But she could have accomplished it in ten minutes. The extra hour + was gratuitous. I sat and wept. And tried not to vomitor pass out.

After she was through we went into the jail and spent 45 minutes being leered at by inmates. Lecherous looks, malicious sounding laughs and hateful musings spoken to be heard. And they were women.

My stomach just turned over and over again.

I am exhausted, looking so forward to sleep, but feeling guilty that I’ll be sleeping tonight and the little boy who’s story I tried to stop listening to this morning will never get to go to sleep again. He’ll never be tucked in. He’ll never have anyone scoop him up in the night to whisper into his neck to chase away a nightmare. No one will ever tell him how sorry they are. No one will ever tell him it wasn’t his fault.

Damn this world.