Lest I mislead you into believing that the only reason I am ever up at night is to tend to toddlers agonized by molars and night terrors, there are a few things you ought to know about the inner workings of my mind. I suspect that my sweet husband is rolling his eyes right now, but that’s ok, I’m willing to wager there are more than a few of you out there who are plagued by demons similar to those I’m about to share…if not, humor me and leave comments like you know what I mean, ok?
Ok, so I know I am not a tiny person, standing 5’10” in stocking feet and having a muscular build, Sean is over 6′, also with a muscular build, but it’s not like we are enormous. Why, why, why do the cushions in our furniture become permanently dented within a month of purchase? I flip, I fluff, I perch lightly, daintily, even, but still they sink.
Are beds not made for cuddling or are people our size not supposed to cuddle? I know there are people bigger than we are, but does everyone just accept that beds will get a massive slope in them causing you to roll to the middle or sit high on a perch just near the edge of the bed?
Why does the hair that is constantly falling from my head land in the sink and not on the bathroom floor? It would be so much easier to sweep the floor and it would be a hell of a lot less noticeable to certain male people in our household that live in constant exasperation with the long strands of hair that fall hither and thither.
Are there underwire bras that manage to keep the wire from poking out and puncturing your sternum?
Why will our cat not eat kibble unless a fresh layer is set before him at each of his 57 intervals of grazing throughout the day?
Why does the dog take the kibble out of her bowl, place it on the floor and then eat it from the floor?
Why have I never lived in a place where the mail is delivered before 3:30 in the afternoon? What’s it like to get your mail first thing?
Why do fruit flies seem to appear even when I am staying on top of the produce?
Does anyone really make it through one of those giant sized jar of pickles, or does everyone push them to the back of the fridge until the eventually just chuck them?
Do you think anyone has ever considered creating a garbage bag that has a substance, maybe like the foam they use in floral arrangements, to catch the 2 quarts of obscene fluids that seem to gather and leak through the bottom of the bag no matter how dry the garbage you put in originally was?
When they made the decision to start sewing the toys into packaging in addition to the tape, twist ties, shrink wrap and steel like plastic casing were they just trying to f*ck with us parents?
So, really, do you wonder about these things too?