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Caught in the gap

Posted on March 31, 2011

You only have your first once. Briar was my storybook first—a glorious pregnancy, no family awkwardness, late summer into fall home-with-baby rapture. Six and a half years and 2 daughters later, her firstness gets eclipsed be her being the eldest. She is pushed hard, punished longer and coddled less. It is unfair and seemingly unavoidable. I was also a first and an eldest, but it doesn’t stop me from the rut of expecting more and forgiving less. The last year has been difficult as my own awareness of the closing window of babies in our house has rooted me in devouring Fin. So fierce has my desire to soak up every minute been, I have failed to understand the fading moment in time in which…

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Put it out there

Posted on March 30, 2011

I sent a letter to someone. It was actually an email, but sent with the same attention to detail and message you used to practice when sending letters. I had purchased a card specifically for this person, but time slipped through my fingers, making an email my only chance to send it in time. I had a sense of what I wanted to say, but was kind of surprised at the way it found its own way. I sat, fingers hovering over the keys like they’ve done so many time, when I felt the pull. I found myself tracing the ways in which life created different paths that ran parallel and the times when life guided our paths together. It wasn’t long before tears…

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No Answer

Posted on March 28, 2011

I am nearly incapable of letting the phone ring without answering it, even with the modern luxury of caller id telling me that it’s: 000-000-0000 calling. That’s the number we refer to as Satan’s. Do I let the machine pick up? No. Luckily the calls don’t come in that often. Email on the other hand? It’s relentless. Clients, strangers, friends, stores, spammers, clubs…the onslaught is never ending. I can field the messages, answer the questions, follow the links all day long, but when I do that my day never really starts, instead I spend minute upon minute of every hour reacting. I don’t give myself, or my family, the opportunity to be unencumbered by the pings. After a brutal week I made a decision,…

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This weekend’s to-do list

Posted on March 19, 2011

To everyone but Tet and Meghan: Find a swing set. Pick a swing. Park your sweet ass on said swing. Pump and pump and pump until you reach your cruising speed. Lean back. Look up. Recapture hope and wonder. Pass it on. To Tet and Meghan: Put your feet up. Have respective hubbies apply lotion to your (insert body part of choice) Watch mindless television or devour a book. Acknowledge how fucking miraculous growing a life is. Remember I adore you. To everyone: Have a weekend of bliss and discovery.

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Pssst was the subject line

Posted on March 18, 2011

I got the email as I headed out to the gym. It was from a friend who moved far away just as I realized  how much we had in common. I’ve since had episodes of lamenting in day dreams the friendship we could have had, knowing all the while that I probably wouldn’t have followed through with the things I imagine we could have done together. She wrote: I went on a hunt tonight.. for your really early posts about Briar, Avery, and Fin.. and what it was like in the early days. I craved it like chocolate. Your words wrapped around me like a blanket, friend. So many things you’ve said in the past that echo my current thoughts and feelings. Hope it’s…

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