I wish I had more time.
Ok, wait. I have the time. I wish I could spend more of my time doing slightly different things than I am doing.
No, that’s not quite it either.
I just wish I could really sit down and share all that has been going on.
The thing is, I don’t think there could ever be enough time, or words that would truly describe what we are witnessing. Experiencing.
How can you possibly describe seeing magic?
A prevailing spirit?
Every day Briar does something new.
Every time she looks at me I see a different emotion.
A new thought.
She is hurtling forward at such an awesome pace.
Exploring, testing, trying, adjusting, measuring, protesting, enjoying, devouring, sweetening.
She learned to climb the stairs Saturday. Technically Sean was with her and giving her instruction, but the reality is this kid picks things up. Fast.
Later that night she was dancing for family at an early birthday dinner for Ciocci Jeannie. Everyone was laughing and dancing. Then they were asking for kisses and jeannie made a couple of kissing sounds. Briar looked at Jeannie and all but winked as she put her lips together and smooched loudly.
Sometimes when she learns things it’s hard to tell if she is doing it out of a desire to accomplish the challenge, or if she knows on some level that by learning a specific thing, at an exact moment in time when another person can share in the ‘learning’ or having taught, she is giving that person a gift that will not fade with time.
“Hey! I taught Briar. I. She. Did you see? She’s doing it! I taught her that!”
Part of me hopes that she is doing it for herself. Doing things to please others can be a slippery slope. But, I have to say that I think Briar is smarter than that. She’s no pushover.
No, I think Briar is going to be just fine. She has a gift for making people feel joy at depths that had before been locked or unexplored. She has a light and she is able to share it with others without, from what I can see, feeling any loss to herself.
As I sit here typing and thinking,
“Hey! I bore Briar. I. She. Do you realize? She’s here. I did that!”
I find myself wondering, was she always meant to be? Is this whole miraculous experience heaven sent? Did I have less to do with her creation than she has had to do with my rebirth? I know that sounds over the top. But my god, I have shed so many layers since her birth. She has taken me to new depths. I am living on a new level and I owe it to her life.
I am just so grateful to have her in my life. To be a part of her life. And, as I hear snippets of a bedtime story being read to her by her Daddy, I feel so blessed for the circle she has created. We three.
And soon four.